As an adoptive mom, I feel like I have got the best education and insight from birth mothers. These amazing women often have misconceptions about them, and I am on a mission to help debunk some of those because they are some of the best people that I know. Did you know that only 1% of women in unwed pregnancies choose adoption? These are the 1% that I am proud to know and call my friends. This will be an ongoing series of asking questions to real birth moms to educate and hopefully show the world what is really in their hearts. If you are hoping to adopt I would highly recommend that you get to know and become friends with birth moms. It will be one of the best things you can do for your adoption!
Here is the next question in our project:
What are things that others have done or said to make your healing harder?
Not being supportive (some family members). – Sherri
When people don’t really seem to care or listen to how I am feeling. Or when people tell me that it could be worse, and that I need to move on. – Lindsey
When I am not listened to and the subject is changed when I’m opening up to someone, that is hurtful. Also, when the people in my life won’t acknowledge that she exists. – Melanie
Really random strangers telling me I’m awful for choosing adoption. I even had two cousins say that as well. Having family not fully acknowledge then as a part of our family, too. – Jeanie
I was told I wasn’t a good mother because I focused too much on my adoption by a sibling. I was told I just gave up and didn’t care about my birth son because I got married and started having a family shortly after placement (two years) by another birth mom. – Shanna
When people would tell me that I was selfish and ask why I didn’t want my baby. They thought I was just throwing away my baby. When people would tell me it was weird that it was an open adoption and when I got married in the future that they didn’t see how anyone would want to meet my daughter and her family. It’s hard when people don’t understand open adoption and how it can work really well. – Lauren P.
When people would say, “You’re a horrible mother! How could you hate your child that much? You cared for the for nine months and just threw it all away.” Or, “You had your chance, and you gave up.” Those ones hurt the most. – Margaret
It hurts when others judge where I’m at in my grieving or try to put any shame on me or try to shush my story or stifle my openness about it. – Tamra
My family feels I abandoned my child. There is no support. They look down on me for choosing to be selflessly selfish. – Alysia
The things that have made my healing harder was what my dad and my doctor said to me. My doctor (adoptive parent of his sisters son) called me a “selfish woman” for wanting to terminate. Those words have stuck in my head ever since. He was a father figure to me. A family friend. My dad told me if I terminated he would no longer co-sign for my school and would no longer support me in life. He told me my brother and his wife needed to know what I was about to do and it was “my job” to tell them (my son’s AP’s had NO idea this was going on). After I reacted to the horrible things my dad said, he called the cops on me, and they took me to the psych ward for a mental evaluation. After talking to the psych nurse, the doctor came in and said, “Let’s get you out of here. What your parents did was wrong.” The day following that was the day I visited my doctor and got called selfish. When I got home, I was so incredibly hurt and confused. Then my dad texted me and told me, “What if we could get you some kind of financial compensation.” At this point, I was so extremely hurt that I said, “Sure, but I want a tummy tuck and a boob job,” just basically cornered, thinking that no way this would happen. He then said, “Let me see what I can do.” After that, I offered my brother and his wife to adopt my son, they accepted, I got no “compensation.” And, believe it or not, my dad forgets saying anything of the sort. It’s “OK,” though…everyone else remembers. My healing from the adoption has went amazing. My healing how I got here has not. – Lauren
It makes it harder when someone tells me I’m the most selfish person on the planet for placing or when someone says I don’t know how to take responsibility for my actions – Sonya
Some people pretend I never had my birth son or they are angry because I didn’t raise him. – Makena
People saying things like, “How could you give up your baby? What kind of mom are you?” definitely made healing harder. – Rachel
Asking questions along the lines of, “Didn’t you want her? Does she know who you are? Do you miss her?” – Katelyn
My family turning away made it harder at first. I built up anger and resentment that wasn’t healthy. I’m still struggling. – Catarina
Not allowing me to talk about it or others treating me like she didn’t exist. Using callous/derogatory words or statements, “not loving my child,” or “I’d choose abortion over adoption any day,” or “I could never do that,” or “selfish…” The list was long. – Annette
Telling me to move on and forget about my birth son. To just get over it. Being asked, “How could I?” – Roanne
When people would say, “Just forget about her. There will be more babies when you’re married.” No ever talked about her with me. – Bridget
Want to read more? Go to:
The Real Birth Moms Project | Part One
The Real Birth Moms Project | Part Two
The Real Birth Moms Project | Part Three
Are you a birth mother? Answer this question in the comments below! Let’s all educate the world on REAL birth moms and not stereotypes.
What are things that others have done or said to make your healing harder?
